How-to Guide for Parents on Emotional Validation

Relationship
Written By Jeff Yeom

How you show up for your child matters - not just physically, but emotionally. Children come into this world with a ‘blank slate’, ready to learn from you as their primary caregiver or ‘secure base’. Providing emotional support and validation for a child’s emotions and feelings can do wonders for them such as positive view of self, greater confidence, which increases taking initiative without feeling guilt, and having a higher probability of being able to regulate their emotions in stressful situations.

How Parents Tend to Show up

A child's hand on their parent's hand representing therapy for parents, therapist in Los Angeles for parenting, child therapy in California, and emotional validation for children.

Parents naturally want their child not to go through any sort of pain and shield them from all possible hurts in this world. While that is honorable, it’s not realistic. As parents, you are there as a trusting guide for your child to have the confidence to take on new tasks, to become resilient when stressful situations arise, to take breaks when needed, and to regulate and overcome challenging emotions.

Common ways parents try to soothe their child:

  1. “You’re fine.” or “You’re totally okay.”

  2. “Well, I didn’t see it happen.”

  3. “That makes me (parent) upset.”

  4. “Why are you so afraid? Don’t be.”

  5. “Oh, don’t worry so much about that kind of stuff.”

  6. “You’re making this a really big deal.”

  7. “The other kids are fine. Why can’t you be fine?”

  8. “Why can’t you be more like them (sibling).”

Some of these statements may be logically true but only within the parent’s mind. These statements are invalidating to the child’s experience. Your child has come to you as their ‘secure base’ and instead are being made to feel like no one believes them, that they should not be feeling the way that they are feeling, or to just flat out not feel what they felt.

How Children can Develop Negative Core Beliefs

When parents state the above mentioned statements when their child has experienced something stressful, it invalidates what they are going through. For example, “You’re fine” may be true in the grand scheme of things, but to the child who has not yet developed critical and logical thinking and problem-solving skills, the distressing event feels VERY hard for them. It can be a challenge for them to know that things are actually going to be okay. Imagine parents making a statements like the ones above, while standing over them with a stern look or not looking at them at all. A situation like such can cause children to develop certain negative core beliefs, such as “My parent does not believe me when I’m feeling upset. Will other’s do this to me too?”.

Additional statements like, “The other kids are fine. Why can’t you be like them?” is also considered invalidating. It can make a child believe they are inferior to their peers. That’s because their feelings and emotions have been discounted by their ‘secure base’ and creates beliefs that their peers won’t believe them as well. It can create an insecurity in their own feelings and emotions. They can no longer trust themselves that they know what they are feeling. It can create a lower more negative view of themselves, thus impact the way they interact with others. An example like this can create a child to learn maladaptive coping strategies to deal with the challenging emotions they face today.

Examples of Validating Statements

I want to suggest these alternatives in their respective order to the statements mentioned above:

  1. “I know that this really hard for us. I want you to know that you’re safe with me.”

  2. “It seems like we saw things differently. Tell me more about what happened.”

  3. “You must be really upset to talk to me in this way. It’s important to use kind words even when we’re upset.”

  4. “It can feel scary right now. Let’s work together as a team. I’m here for you every step of the way.”

  5. “It makes so much sense to feel worried. Let’s work together to find a solution.”

  6. “This seems like it’s really important to you. Tell me more so I can better understand.”

  7. “Everyone feels and thinks differently. What would make you feel better?”

  8. “You’re allowed to feel differently than them (sibling). Tell me more”.

When Children Feel Validated

They then learn to trust you, their ‘secure base’. Children learn that their feelings and emotions are valid and important, which then allows them to believe in themselves more in the future. They learn to trust their instincts and others for support and most importantly, that their support would be there for them without invalidating or judging them. Children have not and will not fully develop their brain until they are around the age of 25 years old. We need to meet our children where they are at developmentally and guide them to a path of success. That all starts with providing emotional validation for what our children are experiencing.

Here is an example, when our children grow up to become working citizens and they experience a distressing event in their workplace, how would we want them to find a resolution? Do we want them to feel like no one will believe them, thus causing them to isolate and not report an incident? Would we want them to lash out in the workplace inappropriately causing their employment to be negatively impacted? Or would we want them to stand up for themselves by knowing that they feel a certain way, be able to regulate their emotions, and have the skills to problem-solve appropriately in order to be successful?

Find a Therapist in Los Angeles, California for Parenting

Being a parent has its challenges, but it’s not impossible. There may be some things from the past that could be holding you back from your greatest potential of providing that validation for your child. Whether it’s past traumatic events, not having your own parent care and validate your own experiences, or even if it’s just not knowing parenting skills, there is NO judgement. There is only room for growth in order to create a healthier relationship between you and your child. It would be an honor to walk alongside you in your parenting journey. Learn more by scheduling a consultation today.

Sources:

Jeff Yeom https://www.jeffyeommft.com
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